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22 April 2007 @ 03:49 pm
somewhere along the way i became simultaneously fascinated and horrified by emotion. it confuses, amuses, and sickens me, each of these reactions seemingly random to the situation itself. i wish i could feel nothing, and scarily, i believe i do feel nothing most of the time because i'm so used to my convincing and conditioning--you are what you eat think?

Somehow, I've started to hold differing opinions about mood, based on my mood. It's confusing and terrifying to think that I could possibly feel differently about different things at different times. Sometimes, I wish I could feel neutrally contented - and what's even more terrifying - sometimes I had no strong emotional response! But then, I'm so used to actively monitoring my mood and cognition - so who can know what terror and artificiality lies beneath the veneer? I could be happy - AT ANY MOMENT!

God save the Queen!

i wonder what all of this is for, i mean like really wonder, not just "oh why life! gigglies!" but like sad confusion and desperate disinterest as i look around and feel a headache coming on.

I wonder what it means that people feel different things and feel different ways at different times. It is a sad and desperate confusion matched only by the natural disinterest in mystifying such obvious triusms and natural states. I have a headache now. Ow. Coffee. Etc.

am i alone in that? i mean, am i really here? why anything? what is real? do i even really feel anything anymore?

Radical skepticism is the first and only refuge of the most stringently irrelevant bullshit.

feel like anything other than a cardboard cutout of myself, and i can see myself doing and saying things, but it's not really me doing them, it's just, you know, me doing them--acting.

Yeah, mean, I'm so real, I'm less real than an image of me. I am the only pipe that's not a pipe.

does this make sense to anyone?

Yeah, it's a load of crap. I've seen it before, will again, and on and anon.

if not, i was only kidding anyway.

o ok
 etomlef: h0ttetomlef on April 22nd, 2007 08:23 pm (UTC)